


Thought Love was a Kind of Emptiness (And I Understood Hunger)

by GreenFire66



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Friends to Lovers, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sharing a Bed, soft bois
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 09:06:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19248097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreenFire66/pseuds/GreenFire66
Summary: “What… right now?” Because Fjord could scarcely believe that Caleb was propositioning now, of all times, to Fjord, of all people. But as long as Caleb’s mental judgment wasn’t impaired, there was not a bone in Fjord’s body that would deny such a request.Even if Caleb was just using Fjord as a convenient body, a source of heat. A tool.Fjord could accept his role.(-)Or, Fjord knows himself to be unworthy of Caleb's time, affection, or love, despite the growing bond the two share.





	Thought Love was a Kind of Emptiness (And I Understood Hunger)

**Author's Note:**

> Day 2; Prompt 2! I love Widofjord week.  
> My brain instinctively wanted to do the "Intimacy" prompt for this day but like, that's pretty much all of my fics so...
> 
> Fic title inspired by "Hunger" by Florence and the Machine.

Fjord told himself not to get his hopes up. Told himself not to imagine a future that simply couldn’t be.

Told himself not to fall for Caleb.

And yet he did.

The first night they spent together was the evening after Dashilla’s lair. Aboard the Squall Eater, Fjord sat up in his cot, well past when he had planned on going to bed. His thumb traced the outline of the freshly-formed scar that danced along the center of his palm.

_Did that… really happen?_

“Always,” he had promised Caleb, and in his mind the word carried the weight of his entire being. Always would he walk with Caleb wherever he would go, always would Fjord stand by Caleb’s side through thick and thin.

Always would Caleb have a place in Fjord’s heart, even if that place would forever remain locked behind the mask of Fjord’s emotions.

A knock on the door behind him shook him out of his stupor.

“Yeah?” He called to the door. There was a moment’s pause.

“ _Hallo_?” And Fjord perked up at Caleb’s voice. “Fjord?”

“Yeah, come in.” Fjord scrambled out of his bed to turn and face him. Caleb opened the door just enough to shy himself in before closing it gently behind him. If Fjord wasn’t looking in his direction, he likely wouldn’t have even noticed Caleb entered.

Silence permeated the room, and Caleb still stood in front of the door.

“Cay-”

“Fjor-”

They both stopped and stared. Fjord sat back down on the bed and patted the side next to him, sparing a glance at Caleb as he did so.

Caleb nodded, shuffled across the room as if almost in a trance, and sat down next to Fjord.

“What’s the matter, Caleb?” Fjord asked, and his brain shouted to place a hand on his shoulder, or run his fingers through his hair, _something_.

He clasped his hands together and held them in his lap as he waited for Caleb.

Caleb wouldn’t look at him; he never looked away from the floor. Fjord saw the twitch in Caleb’s palm.

“I…” Caleb let out a shaky breath. Caleb’s hand moved to clench the necklace that hung under his shirt, and absentmindedly rubbed the metal. “Fjord. Do you regret it?”

Fjord’s blood turned to ice. “The…” Fjord cleared his throat. “What happened down there?”

Caleb nodded.

“I don’t. Not really.” Fjord exhaled slowly. “Why? Do you?”

Caleb lifted his head, if only by the slightest bit. “If… if you do not, then no.”

“Okay then,” Fjord replied. Caleb slowly let go of the pendant, staring at his hand before holding it, palm-up, between the two of them on the bed. Fjord glanced at the palm, then back at Caleb. He turned his body to better face Caleb, and moved to place his own hand over Caleb’s as he lined up their scar-covered palms.

The two sat like that, fingers entwined and caught in a space that seemed to be outside the ship, outside of the present.

A space and a time for just the two of them.

Caleb squeezed his hand against Fjord’s and leaned closer until his head came to rest against Fjord’s shoulder.

Fjord froze.

“I’m sorry.” Caleb’s voice was a breeze against Fjord’s ear.

“For what?” He whispered in response, his eyes straining to uncover any form of emotion on Caleb’s expression.

Caleb went silent after that, before breathing out a shaky exhale. “For getting you mixed in with my shit.” Caleb almost seemed to spit the sentence out, as though the reasoning should have been clear to Fjord. “It’s apparent that you hold value in the symbolism of what happened down there. And I… you…”

“Caleb,” Fjord cut through, and Caleb seemed to quiet at that. “I’m not… I don’t regret it. I already said that, didn’t I?”

“ _Ja_. You did.”

The conversation lulled after that, and Fjord drank in the seemingly soft intimacy of the contact. Caleb’s head still hadn’t left his shoulder, and despite Fjord slowly losing feeling in his left arm, he was more than content with sitting there.

His drooping eyes, however, said otherwise.

“Cay… we should get some rest.”

Caleb mutely nodded, but made no immediate move. Fjord drew in a breath, and after a moment Caleb swayed forward, as if to stand.

“Wait,” Fjord heard himself call out. Caleb turned to him, frozen in an awkward position halfway from standing up. “You could stay? If you… want?”

Caleb’s eyes narrowed, and Fjord had never felt more carefully examined then under Caleb’s cautious gaze in that moment.

Fjord would think back, later, on how of all things, Fjord’s invitation of intimacy is what sent Caleb into this heightened state of guardedness. And Fjord would silently vow to personally deal with whomever caused Caleb to have to respond with disbelief.

“ _Ja_ ,” Caleb huffed with a slow nod. “I’d like that.”

There was a moment of pause where the two stared at each other.

“Well, er,” Fjord coughed. “I imagine you don’t sleep in your trench coat.”

“Of course not,” Caleb replied absent-mindedly, already stretching out his arm to slide off the coat. Fjord watched as Caleb folded the garment and hung it over the back of the chair before moving to take off the book holsters as well.

Fjord’s fingers danced along the strings of his tunic. He often slept shirtless, but suddenly the prospect of doing so felt daunting. His face heated up, which only caused him to want to take off the shirt even more in an effort to cool down.

“I don’t, ah,” Caleb began, and Fjord’s head whipped to look up at him, dressed in a simple, gray, sleeveless undershirt. “I don’t usually sleep with my trousers on. I mean I have my undergarments, but… I do not wish to-”

“Whatever makes you comfortable,” Fjord replied, hypocritically, as he began to work off his tunic. “We both need the sleep. Just do what feels right.”

Caleb nodded at that, and Fjord felt he was dreaming when Caleb soon crawled into bed to join him.

The two rested on opposite ends of the bed at first, and Fjord could feel the heat radiating off of Caleb from beneath the sheets. Willing himself to take a breath, Fjord turned around so that he faced Caleb’s back.

“Stop if I… well, just stop me,” Fjord stammered as he reached an arm carefully over Caleb’s chest. They were both still for a moment, before Caleb sighed what seemed to be of contentment and scooted back to close the gap between them.

Fjord drew him in ever closer. “Good night, Caleb.”

“ _Gute nacht_ , Fjord.”

Fjord awoke in a similar position the next morning, and that’s when he was finally able to convince himself it wasn’t all a dream. The interaction when they were both awake was stiff, and they quickly went about their normal daily activities from there. The two never spoke of that night, and Fjord was able to convince himself that he was fine with that. If Caleb just needed a warm body that night to hold him after the unsettling events of the day (and Fjord felt a shiver run through at the memory of Caleb going limp in Dashilla’s altar) then who was Fjord to fault him? Or deny him?

A month passed, and Fjord spent every evening imagining a body snuggled against his chest, belonging to a soul that deserved better than Fjord.

 

The fight against the succubus and incubus could have gone worse, Fjord supposes.

Sure could have gone a whole hell of a lot better. Every time Caleb got healed out of a dying state just to be killed again sent waves of grief down Fjord’s spine, and he shouted himself hoarse as he moved to use his own body as a shield if it would just save Caleb.

It was all he could do to protect Caleb, and Fjord didn’t hesitate. Fjord was nothing, could never be anything. Caleb at least had a goal, a future.

That next evening, the two shared a room once more, and Caleb turned to Fjord and told him that “sometimes, you have to get a little crazy,” and Fjord’s brain froze.

“What… right now?” Because Fjord could scarcely believe that Caleb was propositioning now, of all times, to Fjord, of all people. But as long as Caleb’s mental judgment wasn’t impaired, there was not a bone in Fjord’s body that would deny such a request.

Even if Caleb was just using Fjord as a convenient body, a source of heat. A tool.

Fjord could accept his role.

Although Fjord’s night vision couldn’t decipher the exact shade of red, he saw Caleb’s face flush.

“Wh-what? No, er, I…” And Fjord wanted nothing more than to shove his foot in his own mouth in a desperate attempt to never talk again. “It was a callback. You said that to me, once.”

 _I did_? Fjord thought as he desperately rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “R-right,” Fjord stammered as he turned to face away. “I’m just…”

The two laid there, and Fjord swore Caleb could probably hear the pounding of his heart. Fjord just exposed himself, right there and then, like an idiot. Caleb was going to call him out on his bullshit, change rooms, and how could Fjord fault him? How-

Frumpkin mewed softly, and Fjord heard the _thump_ of him landing on the floor.

“It has been a particularly… tense month.” Caleb whispered, and if Fjord’s adrenaline wasn’t in full alert, he likely would have missed it.

Fjord’s eyes snapped open. “It… certainly has.”

“You know, I would not be opposed.” The mattress creaked as Fjord spun around to face Caleb, and he imagined his face was about as flushed as Caleb’s looked in the gray-scale. “To getting a little crazy.”

Fjord froze and stared, and with every second that passed, Caleb’s expression seemed to grow less and less confident.

“Or, not. I just-”

“Cay, I,” Fjord huffed. “I need you to be more straightforward with me. I don’t want to presume… I can’t assume what you-”

A hand brushed Fjord’s arm, danced along the skin, and Fjord felt static course through him.

Fjord moved closer to Caleb, felt Caleb’s hands dart underneath Fjord’s shirt as the wizard moved to lift Fjord’s shirt up and over.

The night slipped from Fjord’s grasp. He had every intent to savor the moment, pour every ounce of energy into etching each touch, each elicited gasp into his memory. Surely this was nothing more than happenstance, Caleb needing companionship, and Fjord happening to be a willing body in the same bed. Fjord pushed that aside, however, and drunk in the attention that he didn’t deserve. Caleb’s face was flushed, and Fjord couldn’t tear his eyes off of Caleb’s. His head hit the back of the pillow as he let Caleb take control, let Caleb do what he wanted with his hands, his mouth, his tongue. Lost in the feeling of _Caleb_.

This… was the first time sex had ever felt like this.

With Avantika his body was a bartering chip, something he gave to keep his companions, his friends, safe. Every second was spent fighting back the urge to leave. Every breath was an effort to fight back a choked sob. His mind pleaded for the end. For him to shuffle away to his bed with the task done and over with.

With Caleb… his body was a tool he gave willingly. If Caleb needed him, he would provide. But Fjord would also take satisfaction in the pleasure he himself got from it. Let himself pretend that Caleb wanted _him_. His mind pleaded for it to never end, for every night to allow him the chance to be with Caleb.

 _“I love you,”_ Fjord’s mind said as Fjord lifted a hand to run through Caleb’s hair. Sweat glistened off of Caleb’s forehead, and Fjord drew him ever closer with the legs lifted up and around Caleb’s back.

“F-Fjord,” Caleb gasped, each surge of motion growing more sporadic, any sense of rhythm lost to the euphoria of it all.

Fjord nodded, and in the next moment he was lost to the sensation of Caleb filling him inside, a sense of completion that Fjord would later flush at how perfect it felt.

Caleb’s name replaced the air Fjord breathed, and in the minutes it took for Fjord to come off of his high, Caleb had snuggled in close to his chest, face flushed and hair messy. Caleb clung to him, a look that spoke nothing of the worries and stress they had endured earlier in the day.

Fjord breathed easy, he had done what Caleb wanted from him, and he allowed himself a spark of pride. He waited for Caleb’s breathing to even out before lifting his head up to press a kiss to Caleb’s forehead, knowing he likely wouldn’t have long to indulge himself in such a luxury before Caleb found a more suitable mate.

Sleep claimed Fjord not long after, and his dreams of the beach featured not Uka’toa and the perpetual sense of drowning, but rather a seaside cabana and a smiling face of auburn hair with eyes as crisp and clear as the water that stretched into the horizon.

 

 _Soon_ comes sooner than Fjord had expected, in the form of Essik Theylas. Elven, elegant. Beautiful, even, as loathe as Fjord is to admit. A practitioner of the very school of magic that Caleb was interested in learning.

He was perfect for Caleb. Much more than Fjord could ever hope to be.

It wasn’t long before the party had earned the Dynasty’s trust, and was rewarded in part through Essik’s tutelage of Caleb in the craft of Dunamancy. Fjord was happy for Caleb, took Caleb’s glee at the new spells as a sign that there was a point to what they were doing.

A tiny part of Fjord’s brain recognized they were potentially handing the dynasty a very heavy hand in this war. That their actions, if continued, could likely shape the direction of the war. Could very easily cause the empire to reduce to rubble.

But for that smile? Fjord would do anything, sacrifice everything, for that smile. Even if it wasn’t meant for him.

When Essik started coming by, the lessons happened in the main foyer, and the group, Fjord included, joined in the conversation to get to know Essik better. Fjord, in the back of his mind, sized Essik up, tried to find something about him that Fjord had over him. Something Fjord could tell himself that he had that Caleb could find interest in.

And each day Fjord left more defeated than the last. By the time Essik and Caleb moved their lessons to the library, Fjord had given up on joining them, taking the downtime to either wander around town or sulk in his room.

Caleb seemed happier, as the days passed. He spent more times with the rest of the Nein when Essik wasn’t around, would constantly talk about Dunamancy, excitedly explain the spells that he was learning, and Fjord still marveled at the way Caleb’s face would illuminate with life. He was… happier than Fjord had ever seen him.

And Fjord was happy for him.

It was during one of those evenings that Fjord heard a knock on his door. A single sound, followed quickly by another two.

“Fjord?” A voice called, and Fjord immediately perked up at the familiar inflection of his name.

“Caleb?” He stood up. “Come in.”

Caleb cracked the door open, stepping inside before carefully shutting it behind him. Fjord was hit with a wave of nostalgia, thinking back to their night on the ball-eater, with tentative whispers and delicately placed hands.

“ _Hallo_ ,” Caleb replied, barely a whisper. “Just wanted to… check in. We haven’t really talked lately.”

“Huh?” Fjord raised an eyebrow at that. Why would Caleb care about how frequently they’ve talked? Didn’t Caleb have more important things than Fjord to worry about? “Shouldn’t you be with Essik?”

“The lesson ended an hour ago, Fjord.” Caleb scratched his arm. “How long have you been in here? Nobody saw you come down for dinner.”

Fjord glanced out the window, dark as it always was. How much time had he spent in this room today? He hadn’t even done anything. “How’d the lesson go? Learn any new spells?” Fjord deflected, and he noticed the way Caleb tilted his head, obviously honing in on the topic change.

“ _Ja,_ ” Caleb replied, and Fjord was grateful for the lack of resistance. “I’m surprised, but I’m glad my plan is going as smoothly as it is.”

“Huh?” Fjord tilted his head. “Plan?”

“Ah, you know...” Caleb answered, almost as if confused by the question. “To get closer to Essik? So he’ll give me more Dunamancy spells.”

Fjord blinked, twice. “Well, yeah. Sure. You two have some great chemistry, after all.”

Caleb snickered, covering his mouth with a hand, though Fjord could clearly see the smirk behind it. “Fjord, please. I feel more romantic attraction to Essik’s spellbook than I do the man himself.”

“B-but,” Fjord rubbed the back of his neck. “But, don’t you…”

“Don't I… what? Like him?” Caleb raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms as he leaned back against the door. Fjord tried to swallow his nerves down, and couldn’t help but panic over how palpably loud the sound was over the silence that deafened the room. “I respect him as a fellow practitioner of the arcane. But other than that? He’s just my means of acquiring dunamantic spells. Honestly, I don’t trust him. He’s being too open with these spells, I worry he might try to use them as leverage to get us to do something unsavory.”

Oh. Oh.

“Fjord…" Caleb took a couple steps closer, and Fjord wanted to just shrivel away, be anywhere other than underneath that inquisitive gaze that he couldn’t pull his eyes from. “Were… you jealous? Of Essik?”

Of course.

“Fjord-”

What wasn’t there to be jealous of? The clear compatibility? The time the two of them were able to spend together? The ways in which Essik was clearly more useful to Caleb than Fjord could ever hope to be?

“Fjord, why didn’t you say anything?”

Fjord’s eyes flared open in shock. Was… was he saying all of this out loud? Fjord sunk back onto the mattress, defeated. His palms covered his face, and he exhaled into the void.

The bed sunk next to him, and Fjord waited for the laugh. For the disgust. _A monster like me-_

“Fjord. Please. Talk to me.”

“Talk to you? About which part, Caleb?” Fjord took his eyes out of his palms to stare at the blurry Caleb in front of him. His teeth grit in frustration. “The part where I’ve been hopelessly infatuated with you for longer than I care to admit? The part where I find myself dreading every fight we find ourselves in because I can feel my heart lurch out of my chest every time I see you go down?” Fjord rubbed his eyes, the tears seemed to flood his vision more than any of Uka’toa’s nightmares.

The feeling of drowning felt all too familiar, however.

“Or maybe the part where those nights we shared felt too goddamn perfect to be real? How I haven’t stopped imagining you in my arms? Or our bodies pressed together? Or-”

Caleb’s lips pressed against his.

It was too good, too perfect. Fjord didn’t deserve-

Caleb whined into the kiss, and Fjord brought a hand up to the back of Caleb’s skull as he deepened the contact. Caleb’s hands took purchase in Fjord’s undershirt as his tongue pushed to explore Fjord’s-

“Wait, wait, wait,” Fjord gasped. His body screamed at him, _you fool, hold him, cherish him._ “I can’t… I can’t…” _Treat him like he deserves. Why do you think your concerns matter?_ “I can’t just… do this and pretend it doesn’t mean anything, Caleb.” Fjord sighed, pressing his forehead against Caleb’s, for what he expected to be the last time. “I’m… I’m sorry. I just love you too fuckin’ much.”

“Why are you apologizing?” Caleb cupped Fjord’s cheek with one of his hands, scratching behind Fjord’s ear in a way that grounded him. “I’m… flattered. I didn’t think it was possible for you to feel those sorts of feelings for me, honestly.” Fjord’s eyes narrowed at that. “With me being as unlovable as I am. I thought romance of any kind was-”

“What in the nine hells makes you think you’re the unlovable one here?” Fjord asked, eyes searching Caleb for any trace of a joke. “Cay, you’re-”

“I’m far from perfect, Fjord. And such thoughts are not healthy for you.” Fjord opened his mouth, but Caleb pressed a finger against his lips to silence him. “I mean it, Fjord. You’re more than enough for me.”

A breath escaped Fjord’s lips at that, and he sunk closer towards Caleb. Fjord felt arms wrap around him, and he returned the hug.

“And just so you know, Fjord. I love you too.”

And the feeling that crossed Fjord’s stomach at those words? The relief, the rush of adrenaline? The disbelief? That was a feeling to unpack later. Once there wasn’t a Caleb, smirking and lovely and _real_ in front of him.

Caleb pressed a kiss to Fjord’s lips, soft and chaste, before he moved to lie down on the bed. Fjord raised an eyebrow as he moved to join him.

“Don’t get me wrong, I ain’t complainin’. But you sure you want to spend the night here? The others-”

“The others don’t have an attractive half-orc companion who just confessed to having mutual feelings of attraction,” Caleb replied with a grin, which quickly fell short. “I can leave… if you’re embarrassed, or-”

“Oh, no, no, no. Nope,” Fjord cut off him, popping the ‘p’ as he threw off his shirt and scooted closer to Caleb. “You put the idea in my head of you staying the night. Ain’t no way you’re leaving now, love.”

Caleb buried closer into Fjord’s shoulder at that, and Fjord’s heart melted at the blush that was evident on Caleb’s face. “It… feels nice to hear you call me that.”

“Feels nice to be able to call you that, if I’m honest,” Fjord admitted as he wrapped the arm currently buried underneath Caleb around the wizard, drawing him in closer. Caleb rested a hand on Fjord’s chest, and Fjord felt the adrenaline replaced with a euphoric calm. His body unwinded in a comfort that felt almost unnatural.

Next to him, Caleb’s breathing began to even out, and Fjord felt his eyes closed as he listened to the sounds of Caleb breathing next to him. The two drifted off like that, entwined in their embrace.

And in the morning, Fjord held Caleb just the tiniest bit closer to ensure that the wizard was still there, and found security in the almost domestic “Good morning,” that Caleb whispered next to him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! As always, any and all kudos, comments, bookmarks, etc are greatly appreciated!


End file.
